Unexpected

My vacation to India totally did not turn out as expected. I don’t mean this in a positive or negative way, just..unexpected.


Some stuff went as planned. I expected to meet my friends, party hard, have a great time, eat great home cooked food and just revel in the pleasure that is Bombay. All of that happened, and then some.

I did not expect to get bronchitis, have my passport stuck at the US Consulate and be wedding shopping for clothes and jewellery. It just feels….weird. This was not the plan.

Which got me thinking, what is it about the unexpected that makes people freak out? I have noticed both from personal experience as well as from the experience of others around me that people tend to take bad news well as long as they expect it. But they don’t handle any news – good or bad – with grace if it comes out of the blue. Is it because we are so hung up on a “master plan” ? Almost all of us make elaborate plans for life that is so dependent on things going according to the plan. We do make back up plans but even that depends on something else falling into place. We get disappointed when things don’t go our way, but we continue making plans and hope that next time will be different. Does that make us stupid or hopeful?

Maybe we continue making plans because we are so afraid to live life without one. I am curious to see what will happen if I just stop planning and just …live. I am afraid that things will be totally different. Or maybe I am just afraid that things won’t be all that different and I will just realize how little difference the planning really makes!

Or maybe I just have a lot of spare time and let my mind wander too far. It's time to plan the rest of my day :)

How direct is too direct?

I pride myself on being a straight shooter. I don't believe in being manipulative or bitchy or calculating while speaking to people.

However, I kinda draw the line at 'Hey-I-heard-you're-a-spoilt-rich-girl-but-since-you're-my-friend's-girlfriend-I-really-do-want-to-get-to-know-you-before-I-form-my-own-opinion'.

I'm going to try and be objective about this and sort of remove myself from this equation.

Hypothetically, lets consider you have a friend A. A is dating B. You have heard some rumors about B. So what do you do? You go warn A.

Here are a few pointers for executing this:

1. Go talk to A with an open mind. After all, you don't really know B. B could be a lovely person with a bad rep.
2.  Once A has talked to you and convinced you that B is nice, let it go.
3. You want to get to know B. After all, A ia a good friend of yours. You want to get to know the person in A's life. Fair enough.
4. Now here's an important one: As the first step to getting to know B, do not, and I repeat, do not, go to B and state all your doubts about whether B is really good for A or not and how you really need to make sure that A is making the right call by being with you and that you've heard a lot of rumors, but you don't judge.

That, my dear readers, is not the start of a beautiful friendship, but rather a strange confrontation with B left to defend herself. Or himself, whatever.

Now, what should B's move be?

Logically, nothing. B didn't do anything. B was just daydreaming about a nice vacation and Bvlgari sunglasses when the whole "big brother talk" happened.

However, B could be totally irrational about this and make a big deal. B could go lash out at A and make things uncomfortable.

The moral of this story is: You're entitled to have thoughts and feelings, but please think about who you express it to! Its totally fine to express some amount of verbal diarrhea with your close friends. But with someone you barely know? Definitely not. Making someone feel defensive is never a great start for anything. It makes the other person feel like they're doing something wrong. Of course you care about your friend and want to make sure he or she is making the right decision, but go talk to them about it, and keep an open mind after that. Dishing it out to the other person is a firm no-no. Its bound to cause resentment and spark an instant dislike and in some cases make them want to consume 50 dark chocolates to get over the weirdness of the whole conversation.

But I am a bigger person than B. I will continue to be my fabulous self and help myself to merely 20 dark chocolates :-)

Just friends

Its an age old question: Can guys and girls really just be friends ?

I’ve never been part of the girl clique like most girls. I don’t have Rachel and Monica to sip coffee with at Central Perk. I don’t have standing brunch dates with Carrie,Samantha and Charlotte. And I definitely don’t go shoe shopping with Serena on 5th Avenue.

I am and always have been “one of the boys” and most of my guy friends can vouch for it. I don’t think about them sexually and I don’t want to marry any of them. They are the people I hang out with, go partying with and play beer pong with.

Which doesn’t mean I don’t like girly things. I love talking about relationships and shoes and bags. I even have a guy friend for that, and no, he is not gay.

My question is: Is it possible to maintain this relationship or is there always danger of it being contaminated? Also, does this affect my relationship more than I think it does ?

While sitting on the couch, eating popcorn and watching Eurotrip, I am definitely not attracted to any of my friends. But we’ve all heard famous claims “ And then one night, we got really drunk..and I don’t know, it just happened”. How can it possibly happen if this person is a platonic friend you’re not attracted to ? Why is there no danger of this ever happening with one of your girlfriends or guy friends ? And most importantly, why is the the significant other always jealous of the oppposite sex friends but not the same sex ones ?

If you’re in a relationship, I think the only way to make friendship work with the opposite sex is to give priority to your relationship. it sounds cliched and restrictive, but the truth is, no one has that much self restraint. If you have a single attractive male or female friend, then there is definitely going to be a time where you are attracted to them, and you will be tempted to act on it. Its just easier to be around a friend of the opposite sex rather than your signifcant other.

If you’re single then make the rules clear and just practice self control. Honestly, I don’t know that many couples who were BFFs before getting married. There probably always was an attraction that just got addressed because someone got dumped, someone’s suddenly single or my personal favorite, beer goggles.

In all honesty , a lot of the same problems just get magnified when friends of the opposite sex are involved. The issue probably always existed, but its easier to let go of it and give your partner the benefit of doubt when its with a friend of the same sex.

So forget calling your fav guy or gal friend, dial your partner. Who knows, you could probably talk about Louis Vuitton with your guy or shoot some hoops with your girl!

Comfort Zone

I recently celebrated a really fun Indian festival called Holi. Think color,water,music, food and if you really want to go all out, you drink the extremely delicious and potent 'Bhang',a  milky drink containing..ahem..weed.

Any Indian kid growing up in India has got to have experienced this at least once. In the Bay area, Asha organized this event at Stanford, Palo Alto, with lots of color, water, music and Indian food. Check out the link

http://www.ashanet.org/stanford/events/holi2010/index.html

I went with a bunch of friends and had a great time. As expected, we all got separated once we entered, but that didn’t stop me from having fun with total strangers. Maybe it was the festive season, the great weather or the feeling of merriment that made me have some unbridled fun.

Or maybe it was the fact that I was colored up and felt liberated :) . When I think about it now,I am surprised at myself and the fact that I was comfortable in a strange surrounding with non familiar people. Most people are uncomfortable mingling with total strangers and letting their guard down unless there is some sort of social lubricant, usually alcohol. Having a drink makes it so much easier to blend with a strange crowd and have fun.

Once the color rubs off though, your guard is automatically back there and you go back to the familiar. But sometimes, you end up with something new – a new friendship, a new perspective, a new sense of confidence.

It’s kind of like having a one night stand. The general opinion is that, people tend to regret it once the effect of the alcohol wears off. However, there are cases, less known for sure, but there are cases, where you end up with something new by exploring into the unknown.

The point is, getting out of your skin and doing something new doesn’t always bite you. It’s easy to stick to what’s safe and not put yourself in a position to regret something, but taking risks is what makes the whole game exciting. And excitement shouldn’t be under rated. Being comfortable feels good and easy, but it also stops you from growing. Being comfortable makes you feel like the king of the small pool, but it also restricts you to just the pool. Getting out there into the ocean might make you more vulnerable to shark attacks, but also gives you the opportunity to experience something you didn't know existed.

If you need a little color or alcohol to be uninhibited, then by all means, go for it. Keyword being little. Walking piss drunk into a bar with color all over your face is not going to be a pleasant experience. But hey, it'll be something new :)

**Disclaimer: This article in no way promotes casual sex or one night stands!

The Nice Guys

I was speaking with a friend of mine a few days ago and she was updating me on her love life, or rather the lack of one. She ended things with her current boyfriend because he was “too nice”. Now, I know I put too nice in quotes, but I do understand her statement. I almost never hear girls say they are attracted to the nice, sweet responsible guy. We always seem to want the badass, mysterious guy who we know is going to hurt us and leave us to pick up the pieces.

From the time we were young and thanks to numerous romantic movies, I think every little girl pictured her knight in shining armor riding up on a white horse, swooping in at the right moment to rescue us. Rescue us from what? That, I don’t know. Maybe a life too mundane, too difficult, too lonely.

We grow up and when this fantasy doesn’t turn into reality, we are disappointed. We think life is unfair and we have been deprived of our prince.

I always thought, maybe the reason the elaborate fantasy isn’t working out is not because there is no knight in shining armor riding up to you on a white horse, but maybe because you choose a motorbike over the horse and the the bad biker in the leather jacket over the knight in shining armor. Ever think of that?

On the same note, I wanted to take a minute to thank all the nice guys out there:

Thank you for being a good friend and not taking advantage of us when we were confused and drunk that one night
Thank you for being responsible and making sure that we didn’t lose our purses in the crowded bar
Thank you for being a shoulder to cry on as we moan about the bad boy who broke our heart.

You are under appreciated and over looked and I firmly believe the world needs more people like you.

My point is, it isn’t always fate or destiny if things don’t turn out like you expected. It isn’t fair to categorize the entire male population as evil and decide you are the victim. It is because somewhere along the way, you decided to pick something else.

My suggestion: The next time you are approached by a nice, sweet guy, appreciate the fact that he has mustered the courage to come talk to you, to compliment you and is interested in actually getting to know you. Pretty soon, the bike gets too rough to ride on, and you’ll wonder if that horse wasn’t that slow after all! :-)

Space theories

I think that by far the most over used word in a relationship is the word "space".

I need space
I think we need some space
Give me space

Phsycailly, emotionally, mentally. And its the one thing that hits home pretty hard for most people. The fact that someone demands space from you denotes that you're stifling them.

When used correctly, space is a good thing. It's a positive thing. Having space in a relationship denotes that you are comfortable, secure, strong and capable of doing things on your own.

However, this term is used so loosely now that it feels like a negative thing. Whenever things get tough, the single line "I need space" is enough to push the other partner away and alter things so profoundly that makes it impossible to go back to the "good space" - the comfortable, secure relationship that you were in.

More often than not, "space" leads to being on a break and finally, in my opinion, a break up. I know of successful couples who made it work after a break.But, is it because, the break was really good for you? Or because you felt the need to find out what else was out there after a while and having found nothing, decided to come back?

Relationships are made to move forward, not backward. You meet someone, you date, you become exclusive, you spend more time together, you get married and so on. If you're at the exclusive stage, how is it helpful to start dating other people? Similarly, if you're with someone and you decide to take a break, how is it making your relationship stronger?

One of the major differences between men and women is: Women always want something someone else has,
men always want it till they have it. Women covet what other women have  - shoes, bags, clothes and sadly, men. On the other hand, men want the diva, the drama queen, the vixen, but as soon as they have the woman and she shows her true sweet side, they don't want it anymore :-)

Cliches are sweet and romantic for a reason. I wonder if we've become so jaded that we find reasons to not enjoy the obvious and find reasons to ruin what we have just to shake things up?  My friend recently posted a status on facebook ' If your relationship status is 'It's complicated', maybe its time to stop kidding uourself and change it to 'Single'. At the time, I thought it was just funny, but now I realize, its the most simple, true logic ever. If your relationship still feels 'complicated' after a while, maybe it is time to stop kidding yourself.

I need space as well. But, thats because I was recently at my friend's house in her king sized bed and now I have to come back to my queen sized one :-)

Marriage Material

I recenty attended my best friend's wedding in India and something kind of funny happened. I entered the reception and seeing my friend standing by the stage, I headed towards him and said Hi. He was in conversation with another guy and as soon as I showed up, he immediately turned to him and said
"Oh yeah, this is the girl I was telling you about."
I continue to stare with a pleasant smile since I wasn't quite sure what there was to tell about me.
Gladly, my friend cleared that up
"She's the single one."
Ohhhhhh. Thats what there was to tell. Silly me, I didn't realize it was normal to tell complete strangers about the fact that I wasn't married. How about the fact that I wasn't really groom-hunting?

Lately, pretty much all my friends seem to be heading down this joyous road and they absolutely want me to have the same joy they have, bless all of them.

I'm going to skip the part with the cliched uncles and overbearing aunts who want to know when you plan to do it and when they could wink wink dance at your wedding. Seriously, just for that I will not get married. Coz to see you dance would be more torture than to be single.

Being in my late 20s, (At some point I realized I could not pass off 26 as "mid" anymore) with all my girlfriends married puts pressure on me to be the next one. Society, media, parents, friends, and sadly, I do too. It's easy to get caught up and feel insecure about your life. Somehow, that one question combined with the right look just makes all your other accomplishments feel insignificant.

Interestingly, I have heard a variety of reasons for which I choose to be not married. Here are the top 3:

1. I am not the marrying kind. Yes, seriously. I have friends who tell me they don't see me as the marrying kind. Great, so basically, they don't see me stable, happy and commited. Excellent reason.
2. Right now, I'm just at a place in my life where I don't want to be tied down. Well, you seem to have gotten over it.
3. I am so strong and independent, I don't need a man. Amen to that. I definitely don't need a man, I just want one.

My friends have advice on meeting men, being on your best behaviour and doing the very best you can to get a Yes. My question is, why am I waiting for a Yes? Who decided that I am selling and men are buying? Why is it up to the women to make a case and for men to decide whether it's a win or a loss?

So in addition to the questions and impromptu matchmaking, theres also a lot of thoughts on why we choose to be..the way we are. Well, people, from me and all the other single ladies..

The reason I am not married is not because I don't want to be tied down.
Not because I am strong and independent.
And definitely not because I am not the marrying kind.

This post is not a rant or some subtle attack at married people. I love married people, infact people are people whether they are single or married, I like some, I dislike some. Also, I am not a man hating lesbian who is out to bust balls.

The reason I am not married yet is because I want to choose the right man and I want to decide the right time. It's as simple as that.

Coz, honestly, I am the marrying kind.